Emotional Regulation: What It Really Means (and What It Doesn’t)
So many women I work with tell me:
“I’m trying to stay calm.” — yet they’re still having emotional battles with their partner or ex.
“I’m doing my best to be emotionally regulated.” — while still allowing unsafe people into their space.
“My therapist said I need to be regulated before disclosure or co-parenting conversations.” — yet they’re still managing the other person’s emotions.
But here’s the thing—emotional regulation doesn’t mean being calm all the time.
If you’ve lived through betrayal, abuse, or divorce, your body has learned to stay on alert. Your nervous system has been trained to expect the next hit, the next lie, the next shift in mood. So “staying calm” often means suppressing what your body is trying to express.
That’s not regulation—that’s survival.
And with that mindset, we end up eliminating self-care by skipping the very boundaries that protect our emotional well-being.
What Emotional Regulation Actually Is
Emotional regulation is your ability to feel your emotions without being swept away by them.
They don’t get to drive the vehicle, so to speak.
It’s your body and brain working together so that emotions can move through rather than explode, collapse, or get shoved down.
When you’re regulated:
You can notice what’s happening inside you without judging it.
You can pause before reacting.
You can respond to a trigger from awareness instead of defense.
You can bring yourself back to a sense of safety after being activated.
It’s not about being calm; it’s about being connected—to your body, your breath, and your truth.
What Emotional Regulation Is Not
Let’s clear up a few common misconceptions:
1. It’s not about pleasing others or managing their reactions.
Many women mistake regulation for keeping the peace. You walk on eggshells, modulate your tone, or stay quiet so he won’t get upset.
That’s not regulation—that’s your nervous system in fawn mode, trying to avoid danger.
Real regulation says, “I can stay grounded in myself even if someone else is uncomfortable.”
2. It’s not spiritual bypassing or thinking your way out of emotion.
Trying to “rise above,” “find the lesson,” or “just stay positive” when your body is screaming isn’t regulation—it’s avoidance.
True regulation allows you to feel before you fix. You can cry, shake, or rage while staying connected to your breath and your body’s wisdom.
3. It’s not pretending you’re okay when you’re not.
Appearing calm while you’re internally numb or dissociated is your body in shutdown, not peace.
Regulation often looks like slowly thawing—feeling your body again, breathing deeper, and reconnecting with your real emotions.
4. It’s not always peaceful—it’s often messy awareness with compassion.
You might tremble, take space, or cry while regulating. The difference is, you’re aware of what’s happening and you’re caring for yourself through it.
That’s strength, not failure.
Why Regulation Feels So Hard After Betrayal
Your nervous system learned that connection equals danger.
Even after leaving or setting boundaries, that wiring doesn’t instantly reset.
You might feel calm one minute and flooded the next.
You might crave safety and then panic when you finally get it.
If your ex or current partner is emotionally dysregulated, your system might be used to co-regulating with chaos.
You’ve likely been bouncing off their emotions for years.
Learning to regulate means creating safety within you instead of depending on theirs.
How to Begin Cultivating Emotional Regulation
1. Start with awareness.
When you’re triggered, pause and name what’s happening:
“My chest feels tight.”
“I feel fear.”
Naming brings your thinking brain back online.
2. Breathe slower.
Focus on a long, gentle exhale. It signals your vagus nerve that you’re safe.
3. Ground into your body.
Feel your feet on the floor, place a hand on your heart, or notice something solid around you.
Safety lives in the body, not the mind.
4. Move the emotion.
Cry, journal, shake, or stretch. Let the energy complete its cycle.
5. Offer compassion to the part that’s scared.
You might even say, “I see you. You’re safe now.”
This is how you begin to re-parent your own nervous system—the way Lindsay Gibson calls becoming your emotionally mature adult.
6. Reach for safe co-regulation.
Turn toward a friend, coach, or support group where your emotions can be witnessed without judgment.
Regulation grows in safe relationships.
You Don’t Regulate to Be Easy to Love. You Regulate to Be Free.
You deserve to feel safe in your own body.
You deserve to trust yourself again.
You deserve to lead your life from your wise, grounded self—not from survival.
Every time you choose to pause, breathe, and stay connected to your truth, you’re teaching your body a new story:
I am safe now. I can handle this. I can come home to myself.
And that’s what healing really is.
Your Next Step
If you’re ready to strengthen this connection with yourself, start by noticing one moment each day where you can choose presence over protection.
That’s where emotional regulation begins. The work I do with my clients is focused on helping them connect back to themselves in this way. Focusing on not only the cognitive reframing but really getting connected to the body where trauma also lives and gets stuck.
If you are finding yourself having greater emotional responses to present day circumstances than you feel is warranted, you are describing shock stuck in the body that needs to be released. Working with me can help release this and help support more present day authenticity and healthy emotional regulation.
To find out more book a consultation with me HERE.
Because healing isn’t about staying calm, it’s about staying connected. Connected to YOU!
XO,
Amie Woolsey
Certified Brainspotting Practitioner,
CPC, PCC, APSATS-CPC
